i got real bored and wrote this

This is NOT a finished story. It is a rough draft.


Ophelia was an unfortunate looking girl. At seventeen her stout figure bulged over the tops of her low-cut skinny jeans and above her mannish chest and shoulders was a too short neck topped by a head whose best feature was a pair of small blue eyes that peered out of what could have been a squarish wad of dough with a bad case of monkeypox. (which can be contracted of course by being shat on by a baboon) stringy blonde hair and and long nicotine stained nails completed the picture.
Had Ophelia been a kind, talented, or even marginally interesting girl one might have been more inclined to forgive her glaringly unpleasant appearance. She was however, none of those things. Ophelia was a bland and stupid fangirl with a shrill voice and an obsessive lust for all things twilight. Before the rise of twilight it was of course harry potter. Her devotion to which reached a point so extreme that she broke her leg when she jumped out of a window, broom in hand roughly two seconds after having thrown a gold painted golf ball out of the same window.
When the twilight saga became popular Hogwarts was pushed aside in favor of more realistic persuits. Sparkly vampires.
Ophelia was on a mission. She was going to find herself a vampire and love him forever. Naturally she began this search at her high school. After several goth kids reported her for dragging them outside and trying to tear their shirts off she had to find a new venue to search.
After school and on weekends she would roam the city park stopping every attractive man she saw and asking them if they were vampires. None of them were. Or at least the weren’t admitting it. Ophelia however was like a pitt-bull with the mailman’s leg it it’s teeth. She would not quit until she found what she was searching for.
Eventually, she found him. She had gotten out of school early that day. Some sort of teachers workshop. As usual she went hunting for her dream man. It was early on a Wednesday afternoon and the park was nearly empty. Ophelia wandered aimlessly past the benches along the path thinking about the wedding she and her wonderful sensitive vampire would have once she found him. There would be glitter everywhere so that he and his vampire friends wouldn’t feel self conscious.
Lawrence watched her stump along the the path from the shadows of a large oak tree. His long arms draped casually over a low-hanging branch, dark eyes alert and intelligent, classically handsome features complemented by a perfectly tailored deep blue suit.
As Ophelia approached he could see that her ill-fitting t-shirt displayed and elaborate scene from the twilight movies featuring edward cullen looking pensive. Before she could spot him on her own Lawrence stepped onto the path directly in front of her. Ophelias piggy eyes widened in suprise and she stopped in her tracks. For a moment she just stood there gazing up at him in adoration. Then she shook herself and asked for probably the millionth time,
“are you a vampire?”
Lawrence looked down at her and smiled.
“Yes, I am. Come with me and I’ll make all your dreams reality.”
Ophelia had a flash of self preservation and looked doubtful for a moment.
“how do I know you’re for real? Show me the sparkling skin first. “
Lawrence reached up with both hands and petulantly tore open his shirt. Buttons flew in all directions and Ophelia was nearly blinded by his sparkling pasty white torso. He put out his hand and she took it. Together they walked out of the park and into the less savory part of town. When they arrived at a small seedy motel Ophelia once again balked and began to whine.
“This place is ugly and smells bad”
Lawrence let go of her hand.
“Then go. Clearly you don’t love me as I love you.”
“No no no!” said Ophelia, grabbing his hand back, “This place is great.”
“Good, now let’s go to my room.” He led her to the door at the end of the row. Ophelia noted with pleasure that it was nice and close to the snack machines.
Ophelia entered the room first. It was dark and as her eyes adjusted she heard movement from across the room. She found the light switch and turned it on. To her horror there were four more men sitting in a semi circle in the room, staring intently at her. She turned to run back out the door but Lawrence blocked her way. He grinned and looked over her shoulder to the other men.
“Hey guys! I brought dinner!”
Ophelia screamed as he picked her up and threw her onto the bed and the others moved toward her.
Later, when Ophelia was no longer Ophelia but a dead, dried and violated husk, Lawrence and his brothers drew straws to see who would take the can of spray glitter and go hunting for their next meal.